Kay's Blog

I'm not ready for "Face Time"

My daughter, Kelly, called me this morning before 9 am. Yes, I could tell it was Kelly. No, I didn't answer. It's not that I was asleep. It's that my hair looked terrible, and I didn't have makeup on.

You guessed it: we have "Face Time"  - pretty much the worst invention since mirrors. 

When Kelly went away to college last fall, we both got iPhones, so we could "Face Time" with each other. Here's what I found out: just as children should be seen and not heard, I should be heard and not seen. Not over the phone anyway.

Of course, people see me all the time. But they see me when I'm prepared. Before I leave the house I take a shower, then blow-dry my hair. I curl it, or straighten it, or sometimes both.  I smooth out my complexion with foundation and apply eye shadow and mascara. Finally, like a kid with a crayon, I add eyebrows and lips.

(Carole King wrote a song about the process, "You Make me Feel like Unnatural Woman.")

The last step is to get dressed. At home I may wear yoga pants and an old sweatshirt, but before I go out, I dress up in jeans and a shirt without holes.

I tell you this to explain why I'm not keen on spontaneous video phone calls.

The first time I "Face Timed" with Kelly, it was by accident. I hadn't even showered. Somehow I bumped my iPhone, and before I knew it I was connected to Kelly. I saw her lovely face fill the screen, and realized she and I were seeing each other in living color.

I knew I looked awful. This was confirmed by the small "preview" image near the bottom of my screen.

"Mom!" Kelly said enthusiastically. "I'm at Starbucks!"

"Umm, hi sweetie. I didn't really mean to..."

She interrupted me.  "Say hi to my new friends - Britney, Anna and Katie!" 

The next part seemed to happen in slow motion. Kelly's phone started panning from her face toward the faces of other people. People I didn't know. People I didn't want to meet - not then, anyway, not when I wasn't prepared.

Luckily, the call was dropped (maybe because my finger hit the "End" button).

Since then, Kelly and I have mostly sent each other texts. Sometimes we talk. And every once in awhile, we "Face Time." But not very often.

It takes me too long to prepare.

I'm not mom enough

As you probably know, I’m a mom - my daughter, Kelly, is nineteen. Like most moms, I know I’ve made some parenting mistakes. But, according to the “Attachment Parenting” movement, that's not true - I’ve made a ton.

Attachment Parenting isn’t new. Twenty years ago, Dr William Sears (its guru) "wrote the book."

Call me clueless, but I'd never heard of it. Not until last week’s Time Magazine cover featured a titillating photo that generated the highest-selling issue of the year (it’s interesting to note the top cover features a woman with her top uncovered).

The woman on the cover is breastfeeding. But she’s not breastfeeding her baby - she’s breastfeeding her 3-year-old son. “Are you MOM ENOUGH?” the caption demands.

I may not be familiar with Attachment Parenting, but I know of philosophies like them - they feature impossible advice that turn parenting journeys into guilt trips. Advice like:

"Respond to every whimper, because excessive crying for long periods could damage the infant’s brain."

(As you can see by this picture of two-month-old Kelly, it’s too late). 

 Nurse for as long as possible – sometimes up to four years.

( I made it for three…months).

If you have to be away from your baby, pump your own breast milk.

(I can barely pump my own gas).

 Make your own baby food by blending portions of the foods you normally eat.

(I eat pork rinds and Cheetos).

Most parents start out wanting to do everything right. When Steve and I brought Kelly home from the hospital, we put her bassinet in our bedroom – just like the baby books said. That night I tucked our sweet baby girl into a cloud of pink blankets, and collapsed into bed.  

I was startled awake by a frightening cacophony of sounds:

“Grunt.”

“Wheeze.”

“Snort.” 

 What are those noises!?! I wondered. Am I dreaming? 

 Nope, I was awake. And I’d given birth to a piglet.

That's the way it sounded, anyway. Night after night, Kelly made bizarre noises that kept me from sleeping. By the third night, I was exhausted. I called Kelly’s Godmother for advice.

(I should mention: not only are Kelly’s Godparents among our best friends, but Patty, Kelly’s Godmother, is a retired school nurse. She also has two amazing daughters – and I knew I could count on her guidance).

“Those are all normal sounds a baby makes,” she responded.

“Really? Well I’m worn out!”

"Then it's time to put her in her own room."

“But she’s only three days old!  And the baby books say…”

Patty cut me off. “She’ll be fine, and you need rest - take the bassinet out of your room.”

Honestly, she didn't have to twist my arm very hard. Patty was still talking when I dropped the phone and ran to our bedroom. I wheeled the bassinet out so fast Kelly probably suffered minor whiplash.

Since then we've jokingly (and affectionately) called Patty, "Godmother from Hell."

Here's the thing: it's been nice to have Godmother from Hell to turn to. She's been my own parenting guru. I can count on her to give me reasonable advice I don't have to feel guilty about. 

If only she'd write the book.

No comment(s)

After each of my blogs, you can see how many comments I've received. Normally you don't see any; sometimes there are one or two. You might conclude that my readers don't comment - they don't reach out to me, my blog isn't very popular.

You'd be wrong.

I get lots of comments.  You just don't see them, because I haven't approved them. And unless I approve comments, they're not posted (yeah, it's kind of a power trip).

The comments I get are all pretty much the same - repetitive, redundant and repetitive.

Comments like "You're so funny," "I laughed until I peed my pants," and "that was hysterical" - are the kind I get rarely, if ever.

Here's what I do get:

"Some time ago, I did need to buy a building for my organization but I did not have enough money and couldn't purchase something. Thank God my friend adviced to try to take the personal loans at reliable creditors. Therefore, I acted so and used to be satisfied with my financial loan." Ewing22Nannie

"It's known that money can make people disembarrass. But how to act if somebody doesn't have cash? The only one way is to get the personal loans or just consolidation loan." McCoy30Frankie

"I opine that to receive the personal loans from banks you must present a great reason. But, once I've received a term loan, because I was willing to buy a house." Huchinson34Christian

The comments always include a link. To what, I wouldn't know.

I don't post them, but the comments make me feel a little nostalgic. They remind me of an old acquaintance - someone who used to send heartfelt messages by email, and in the old days, fax.

You may remember him. He was from Nigeria - and he was a real prince.

A mother's wis-dumb

On Mother’s Day, famous people are often asked, “What’s the most important lesson you learned from your mom?”

I love to read the answers. They vary, but most famous people cite nuggets of wisdom their mothers taught them – principles they rely on every day. Things like:

"She taught me to give a hundred percent, always. Never give up and, if you believe in yourself, anything is possible.” Jessica Alba

"Happiness is your own responsibility.”  Jennifer Garner

"Always know why you're doing something.” Jake Gyllenhaal

As Mother's Day approached, I wanted to know how my daughter, Kelly, would answer that question. So I said, “If someone asked what you’ve learned from me, what would you say? What would be the one thing you’ll always remember?"

She was quiet for a minute, and I waited for her answer. After nineteen years of mothering, I wondered, what will Kelly say is the most important thing I’ve taught her??

 “The one thing I’ll always remember…” she said.

 Yes???

 “Don’t play with your food.”

 I sure hope she’s never famous.

Nutella is NOT healthy? Are they Nuts?

Did you hear the news? It turns out Nutella chocolate spread is NOT healthy! Two moms, after repeatedly feeding Nutella to their kids for breakfast, learned the surprising truth about Nutella and won a 3 million-dollar lawsuit against the company. 

One of the moms is Laura Rude-Barbato. In an interview she said after watching the ads, she was  shocked to discover what she'd been feeding her children wasn’t healthy at all - Nutella is loaded with sugar and fat.

To uncover the truth, this super-sleuth mom had to dig deep - actually turning the jar over to read the label.

I've found myself digging deep into a jar of Nutella many times. I would never have said this yummy, sweet, rich, creamy, chocolaty concoction was unhealthy - but only because my mom taught me not to talk with my mouth full. The lawsuit cites a Nutella commercial implying it's healthy, and suggests eating Nutella with whole grain bread (though I prefer a spoon).

As you can see from this picture of my pantry, I have a large jar of Nutella - the second of a 2-pack from Costco. Now I, and everyone like me, is owed a refund. (The company will have to eat their losses. Gee, I wonder if they're hiring?)

Seriously - Nutella is delicious. And you'd have to be nuts to not realize it's a sugary treat. 

But two moms proved Nutella isn't good for breakfast - and from now on I won't be spreading Nutella on my Pop Tarts!

The Future of your Behind

I just got my annual American Express Rewards catalog. It's fun to read - I like to look at all the extravagant stuff I don't need (keeping a napkin handy to catch my drool).

The current issue has an informational section about the "Future of Shopping." It turns out, soon we won't have cash registers. We won't even have cash (if you have kids, you already know how that feels). In the future, transactions will be done using our smart phones. (Oh goody!  I'll manage my finances with the same device I use now for mis-spelled texts and accidental butt-dials!)

Get this - you'll no longer try clothes on in the fitting room (cue Hallelujah Chorus). Instead, you'll step into some sort of scanning machine that looks like a closet. It will quickly measure 200,000 points on your body in 10 seconds (presumably you will then come out of the closet).

The machine will recommend the perfect pair of jeans. 

Only the jeans won't be perfect. Not unless the machine knows that we, the women of America, are planning to lose 5-10 pounds. In the very near future.

The machine will also need to know the the right answer to the question: "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?"

Or we really will have a fit.

A nice trip

   Last week, I:

Went to the Cliff House Restaurant with my friend Christie.

Wore my cute new high-heeled Franco Sartos.

Tripped and tumbled down about 6 stairs.

Wondered if anyone noticed my cute shoes as my feet were flying through the air?

With glasses I see better but look worse

You may not know this, but I wear glasses. Well, I’m supposed to. Not reading glasses – although I have those too. I’m talking real, “I can’t see the chalk-board” glasses, which I’ve had for a couple years. I don’t wear them very often because they make me look older.

It’s true - I remember the first time I put my glasses on. I looked at my surroundings with a new appreciation - it had been years since I’d seen everything so clearly.

Then I looked in the mirror. OMG, I realized, I have neck-wrinkles!

I didn’t know. There were a lot of things I couldn't see – like the age spots on my cheeks and the frown lines between my eyes. It turns out even though my looks had been fading, luckily so had my eyesight. Before I had glasses, I'd look in the mirror, and I was happy - my reflection had all the detail of a painting by Monet. 

It turns out I'm a huge fan of Impressionism.

But the time came when I couldn’t pretend any more.  I tried to watch TV but it was a blur.  At the grocery store, I couldn't find the Wheat Thins. I went to Home Depot with Steve and made remodeling plans with the wrong guy.

(You might wonder whether my poor vision made me a bad driver. The answer is no -  I was already a bad driver.)

I was depressed, because in the old days I had perfect vision. I called my friend Teri, who tried to cheer me up. "Hey, we can go to Eyes on Fremont and I'll help you pick some really cool frames!” she said.

Teri's worn glasses for years, and has always had cute frames that make a fashion statement. I'm mostly fashion-challenged (my style poses more of a fashion question) so I welcomed her help. Once we were at Eyes on Fremont, I tried on about a million frames (with clear lenses, of course) and finally selected one. I studied myself in the mirror. I had to admit, I looked pretty good in them.

I didn't know the reason I was looking good was that I was seeing bad. So I placed my order, and a week later went to pick my glasses up - this time with corrective lenses. I could finally see what I'd been missing. That's exactly why I only wear my glasses occasionally. And never around mirrors.

If you happen to see me around, but think I'm exaggerating? That in reality, I look just great?

You might need glasses.

The Show Must Go On

I recently discovered an inspiring person named Penny Lane (yes, her mother was a Beatles fan). I watched Penny overcome adversity during a competition.  I was inspired, because I don't think I've ever seen a better example of, "The show must go on."

Bless you, Penny.

 

 

 

Questions for Kelly

Our daughter, Kelly, went away to college in the fall. Now she's home for the holidays. Since she's been back home, I've been asking her a lot of questions. Questions like:

Where's my hairdryer?

Where's my mascara?

Where's my black vest?

Where are my headphones?

Where are my tweezers?

There are many more, but you get the point. Moms everywhere can relate. For a few months, we knew our belongings would be right where we put them. Now our kids are home again, and we're back to finding our stuff using the same strategy used to play "Where's Waldo?"

We hate it.

But not nearly as much as we hate our kids being gone.